


Letters to Mom

by goobzoop



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron isn't even in the story yet, Alternate Format, Alternate Universe, Angst, I mean it - sloooowww, Letters, Letters to Diana Reid, M/M, Slow Burn, Won't be for a while, Young Spencer Reid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-12 13:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21477367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goobzoop/pseuds/goobzoop
Summary: *On Hiatus, Sorry!*******UNFINISHED******** WILL NOT FINISH. Letters sent from Spencer Reid to Diana Reid after she was sent away to Bennington Sanitarium, detailing his life. Angst. Slow burn eventually leading up to romance, but that is very far off, and won't be for quite a number of chapters. Aaron not in story yet.
Relationships: Diana Reid & Spencer Reid
Comments: 7
Kudos: 43





	1. Goodbye

Dr. Diana Reid  
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101

Dear Mom, 

I’m so sorry. Please forgive me, Mom?

I think I did what’s best for you, and I hope you can see that. It wasn’t getting _any better_, Mom. I think it was getting worse. Things had gotten pretty bad ever since dad left. Yes, it was a long time ago, I know. And I know you don’t like to talk about it, but it needs to be said. I need you to know _why_ I did this. I need you to know that it wasn’t just some last-minute decision, Mom. I put so much thought into this. I really didn’t think I had any other options. I’m not going to be around all the time now to take care of you, of us. And I don’t think that you’d be able to be on your own without me. I know how much you care about me, Mom. Please don’t hate me, okay? 

This next paragraph is going to be hard. We never talked about it. And now here I am writing it all down like it’s nothing. But it’s _not_ nothing. It’s the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do; all of this has been, really. And I’ve tried to be strong. Strong enough for the both of us. But it’s not enough anymore. There’s no shame in asking for help, right? That’s what you always said to me growing up. That’s what you always told me when I was at school, encouraging me to reach out to my professors. What did you say to me when I was having trouble with my research on atmospheric isotope separation? You told me that people can _rarely do things perfectly on their own_. I got help from my professor and I ended up getting it published. You were so proud of me even though I didn’t do it own my own. Well, I needed help here too. We both do. 

So, here goes. Mom, I know you can understand this. You’re a smart woman. You have _schizophrenia_. You didn’t believe it when the Doctor told you about it, not the first time, nor the last. I’ve never said it to you. I was too scared. I’ve been a coward. I should have been more straightforward. You’re sick. It’s not your fault. But it does mean that you have to stay at Bennington’s. You’re not healthy enough to be by yourself. It started out small, but over the years it’s gotten steadily worse. It’s a disease, Mom, it’s not you. It’s taking control, each year more and more. I don’t know how much I can help anymore. I have to go away for University soon, and I didn’t know what you’d do left to your own devices. I wish it didn’t have to be like this, I wish I didn’t have to say these things to you, but I do. I still love you, I still respect you. You’ll always be the fierce, intelligent, ambitious woman and loving mother I’ve always known. 

Do you remember that day when you locked me in the cabinet in the kitchen? When you thought that there were government officials trying to come in and take me, and kill you? I spent a day and a half locked in there until I kicked it open. I don’t even want to think about what would have happened if you used a padlock instead of pushing chair up against it. All I could do for 36 hours was listen to your horrified screaming and frantic mumbling. There was no one there but, Mom, you had countless conversations. I was only 8. I was so scared. My mother who was supposed to protect me was doing things that I couldn’t possibly understand. I won’t go into detail about everything else that happened over the years. I’m sure you remember some, if not all of it, too. Though I know it’s in a different light, and I’m sure you believe all of it was real. It wasn’t.

And it was really scary. It was scary at 8, and it’s scary at 18 too. Everything that’s ever happened is seared into my memory, and _I can’t ever forget it_. I have a permanent record of every sign and symptom, every outburst, every breakdown that you’ve had. And I also can’t forget every single time I let you down, or pushed something under the rug, or ignored your decline. For that, I’m sorry. I willfully ignored it. I didn’t know what to do, I was young. But I’ll never forget. I couldn’t if I wanted to. I hope that one day you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me. I hope that one day you can look past all the times that I’ve let you down, or failed to get help. I should have been a better son, Mom. I love you so much. Love can make you crazy, I think. You’re the only person I’ve ever loved, and I let you down too many times to count. I can finally do something about it. I swear to you when I say that I think this is the best thing for you.

You might feel like I abandoned you at the first chance I got, just like dad, but that’s not the case. It was just my first opportunity to get you the professional help the you really needed. I can’t give you what you need. We’d both crumble under the pressure. We’d both end up worse off. I don’t want to see you waste away under my care. I’m still just a kid, Mom. I love you, but I’m still just a kid. 18 is nothing. I may have a few degrees by now, cause Mom, I’m turning out smart just like you, but Jesus, this real-world stuff isn’t the same kind of smarts. I was in way over my head. 

I love you, Mom. Please don’t resent me for what I did.  
I’m going to send you a letter every day.  
It’s the least I can do. 

Entirely yours, and incredibly remorseful,  
Spencer Reid  
06/12/1998


	2. I Miss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer misses his mother. Talks about home and family.

  
Dr. Diana Reid  
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101

Dear Mom, 

I hope you’ve been doing well over there. I’ve been in touch with your doctors and nurses and they’ve told me that you’re not having the easiest time adjusting. You really have to take your medicine, Mom. I only want what’s best for you, okay? We’re all just here to help. I love you. _Please believe me._ Please don’t think that I’m going around you to talk with the doctors, either, they don’t tell me anything that they don’t tell you already.__

_ _I sold the house. It was painful. In more ways than one. We had a lot of good memories there, but it was hard to let go of the painful ones go too. It made it seem like they were all vanishing. Pointless. Inconsequential. It pained me to think of some other family making new memories where are mine have been laid to rest. It feels like they’re slipping away. Not like they aren’t locked away in the vault of my mind, just that they don’t have a physical home anymore. Maybe it’s better this way, though, that they can be replaced by something happier. It’s bittersweet, I guess. _ _

_ _Plus I can’t visit. There’s something soothing about the room you grew up in, and I can’t experience that anymore. But now we have the money to pay for Bennington’s for quite a while, and that’s a huge relief. I don’t want you to worry about it either. It was your money, anyway, the house, and I’m glad that I could use it in a way that’s helping you. Maybe you’ll feel a little relieved that it’s gone, too. Won’t you write me back and tell me what you’re feeling?_ _

_ _I’m going away for school, too. It’s _really exciting_. It’ll be the first time that I’m in University at the age that I’m actually supposed to be going. I won’t be the small runty pre-teen anymore in a lecture hall full of 20 year olds. I’m finally college age and I think it’ll be good for me to finally have an experience that’s “normal”. Even if I’ve already graduated three times already. I’m going to be able to meet kids my own age, doing the same things as me, and be able to hold intellectual conversations with them. That’s honestly the most exciting thing in the world to me. Maybe I can finally start to feel like a normal person. _ _

_ _I’m going to Georgetown Uni. It’s the second most selective private University in the States at only 16.8%. Are you proud of me, Mom? I’m going to study psychology this time. I’d be lying if I said it had nothing to do with you. I love you Mom, and I want to understand you better. I want to feel closer to you. Academia is the best way I know how. I’m flying out next week, and then I’m going to be staying in the dorms. My advisor said that I may be able to finish the degree early, too, since I’ve already taken so many pre-requisite classes over the years. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but then again I wouldn’t mind skipping the same basic english class that I’ve taken in so many different but ultimately similar versions already. Don’t get me wrong, Mom, there’s always room to grow and learn, just like you always say, but I think that I have the basis for some of the lower level classes down already. Besides, I can always take them later if I really want to. She’s going to sit down with me when I get there next week and we’re going to flesh out a 2 to 4 year plan of classes. I believe that they’ve already had about 5 other kids like me come through, so they aren’t exactly inexperienced with kids that have a high IQ like Caltech was. I’m actually really excited about this, mom. _ _

_ _Aunt Ethel keeps asking me about you. I don’t know what to tell her, but I decided not to tell her the truth. I wish you would tell me whether or not you want the family to know. Well, at least Aunt Ethel, since she’s nearly all the family we have. I know you’re a private person, so I didn’t tell her. Not because I think you’d be ashamed, but because you don’t like people knowing about your personal business. Never have. Before everything started. Remember when you took us down to San Diego for a few weeks, and you didn’t even tell Dad because you said it was none of his business and he reported us missing? That week was so much fun. I remember walking on the board walk with you, going fishing in the ocean (_the first and last time I ever saw the ocean!_) , and eating so, so much ice-cream. That was one of the best times we’ve had. I don’t know why you like your privacy so much, but I won’t disrespect that about you. _ _

_ _I miss you Mom. It’ been harder than I thought here without you. It’s been what, three months? I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Please let me come and see you? Please write me back? Mom, please? I need you, I miss you, I love you. I love you, Mom._ I’m sorry_. Please write me back. I know I’m begging, and that’s not a good look, but I don’t give a damn about my self respect. I don’t need any when it comes to you, you’re my mother and I’d walk to the end of the earth in my underwear if it meant seeing you at the end. I’ve written you 68 letters so far and I’d write a thousand more with no reply, but I’ll still ask anyway. Write me back? Please. _ _

__ _I love you so much,_  
Spencer  
09/19/1998 

_ _P.S. Please write me back. My address at the dorms is:_ _

__ _Georgetown University_  
Saratoga Bldg. #334, PO BOX #90  
2 University Way, Washington D.C. 20213 


	3. New Beginnings Suck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer tells his mom about Georgetown.

Dr. Diana Reid   
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101

Dear Mom, 

You still haven’t written back, but that’s okay. I still miss you. Take your time. I guess it’s going to a while for you to forgive me. 

I’m in my second semester now at Georgetown. 

It’s …_okay._

Not really what I thought it would be. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up, right? Even though I’m the same age as everyone else, there’s still an invisible divide between us. I didn’t even tell anyone about my other degrees. No one knows that I have a few papers published. No one knows that I started College for the first time at 12. They just think that I’m some dorky know-it-all. And honestly, I kind of am. Why can’t I shut myself up? Why can’t I just hold a normal conversation? I thought this would be easier. I thought that the problem was the age-divide. I thought that no one ever took to me because I was always the little pipsqueak genius. It’s not, apparently. I never learned how to socialize properly and now I’m weird. Or maybe I always was. I haven’t made a single friend. I go to class, study at the library, and come back to my down at night. Some days I don’t even talk to anyone besides my professors and people in class when it’s a class discussion, and they only tolerate me. My roommate barely acknowledges me. He not in my major, so he doesn’t even know that I’m overly smart, and still he avoids me like the plague. How can he dislike me, too? 

Maybe it’ll get better. Most days I wonder what kind of advice you would give me. Something like, keep your head up? You’ll get the hang of it? It’s a learning experience? Don’t beat yourself up? It all sounds like something you’d say, but hearing it in my own voice just makes it sound like meaningless platitudes. I’m _drowning_, Mom. Please write me back._ I need you. _

I only have 4 more semesters, though. Maybe I can get my degree and get out of here, friends be damned. I know I thought that it would be different, but clearly it isn’t, and if I did it by myself the first three times, I can do it by myself again now… right? It’s just my ego that’s been bruised. I’ll live, and I’ll find a way to cope with this new type of loneliness. Plus I stayed on campus over the summer and did extra coursework so I’ll get out even sooner. Not that I would even have anywhere to go anyway. I’m basically homeless without my dorm. Never thought I’d be a homeless person. (That’s a joke.)   
…But I’m not homeless when I think of you. (Cheesy.)

I miss you. 

I kind of wish I could just rewind to last year when we were still together and we were still living at home in Vegas. Sometimes I close my eyes and think about cooking together. Sometimes I think about the times that we’d pack a whole day’s worth of breakfast, lunch, and dinner, get up at the crack of dawn, and spend the entire Saturday at the library. Those days where my favorite. I don’t think we’ve don’t that since I was 17? I would give anything for a day like that lately. Maybe this is cheesy, but you were my best friend, Mom. I really feel like we could talk about anything and you’d understand it all. Perks of having a Doctor as a mother, I guess. But, anyway, I really do miss you and I think about you a lot. I wish you’d write me back.

Oh, and do you remember that day we saw that lecture on early classical literature, the Parasitic period? When St. Jerome compiled the Bible for the first time, when Christianity began to spread across Europe? The fall of the Roman empire. That was one of the first times I’d really gotten a good look at your field, and I absolutely loved it. Not to mention the fact that it helped me feel closer to you, not even just intellectually, but emotionally too, because we could share something. Plus I’d never seen you so proud that I’d thought to do that for you. Or passionate. You always have a certain look when you’re passionate about something, Mom, and I only hope that one day I can find something that makes my eye spark like that too. maybe one day we can go to another lecture. I’d really like that. 

What is the food like there? What do you do all day? Do you play games? Cards? Do you read? Do you watch television? probably not, right? Do you talk to other residents? Have you made any friends? Are you having a good time? You’d tell me if you were having a bad time, right? I don’t even know how you’re feeling. I don’t even know if you’re reading these letters. I don’t know anything about what’s going on over there. Maybe when the time comes, you’ll write me back. I’ll be waiting. Not patiently, but I’ll be waiting. 

I hope they’re treating you okay. I mean, I know that they are, it’s a reputable place, and getting treated badly is kind of folk-lore at this point, I mean, healthcare is really professional, but I just wonder if you’re being treated with the respect you deserve. I hate being in the dark. I mean, I do talk with the staff there but it’s not the same. 

You’re my lifeline, Mom._ Please don’t leave me. _

I hope you don’t think that I left you. I didn’t mean it like that. And I have these letters for you. I hope they’re enough. I hope you read them. I hope they’re comforting. If there’s even a 1% chance that they are, I will keep sending them. Hell, I’d send them even at 0. 

And they help me, too. It helps me feel closer to you. I’m sure if I had a therapist they’d say that this is a healthy outlet. I wish it wasn’t an outlet as must as a conversation, though. Write me back?

I love you, Mom, always.

Your son,   
Spencer Reid  
10/01/1999


	4. Counseling is Helpful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer talks about his new counselor and studies.

Dr. Diana Reid   
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101

Dear Mom, 

I’m working on a paper having to do with forensic applications of the multiphase personality profile, specifically the personality assessment profile. I’d thought you’d find that interesting. My professor has taken an interest in me and has been helping me compile research in off-hours. I’m glad that I have something to do in my spare time, even if it is academic. And I’m finding it all really interesting. I must have read hundreds of books on personalities, personality disorders, and personality dynamics by now. My professor is really amazed at how fast I can read and takes full advantage of it. I find a new stack of books on my desk everyday. I’m really grateful. And I’m hoping to get it published when I’m finished. It’ll be a while, but I’m still very excited. 

Are you still reading about Greek heroism? Or have you moved onto another topic by now? You probably have. It’s been a while. I wonder what you’re interested in these days. I hope one day you’ll tell me. I wish we could still talk about books together. I would give _anything_ to hear your voice. Even if it were hearing you say that you hate me. I called Bennington’s yesterday. They said you were busy in group. I don’t know if you were actually busy, or just declining my call, but I’m going to try again during a different time tomorrow. 

I also started seeing a counselor as school. My professor recommended it to me. He said there’s no shame in talking to someone about my experiences. I know it’s true, but I guess I needed his push, or I wouldn’t have gone by myself. It’s been really helpful. My counselor has been really understanding, even if he can’t relate directly to what I’ve been through. I mean, how many people really can? There aren’t many people that attended college at 12. I don’t think I ever told you this, but it really made me grow up fast. Some days I wonder if it was worth it, or if I should have stayed in my own grade and just been bored with the coursework? 

My counselor says it’s okay to feel whichever way I do, and that it would have been hard for anyone. He said most kids find college hard at any age, and that I should be proud that I turned out so well. I don’t feel like I turned out well, but that could be my insecurities talking. I’m working on those too. It’s hard to figure out what’s the truth and what’s made up. He said that we all train ourselves to think in certain patterns, and sometimes you can develop an unhealthy pattern which leads to self doubt or _anxiety_. I’m going to try to look at thinks logically for a while to try and see if i’ve developed negative thinking styles. 

He also said it’s normal for college kids not to develop friendships right away. I almost cried when he said that to me, and I hope it’s true. I really haven’t been looking at other people and seeing if they’re alone too; just focusing on myself. He said that’s really common, and a lot of people will miss opportunities because they’re hyper focused on their own problems. I’m going to try to be more aware. He told me to talk to someone outside of class before our next session, but I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. 

Are you in counseling too? They told me that it’s voluntary, and you can choose not to go. Are you going? I wonder if we’re both going to therapists. I wonder if you talk about me. If you talk about dad? If you talk about other things all together? I just wonder. Sometimes I talk about you. It’s painful to bring up, so I keep it to a minimum. Is it painful to talk about me? I hope you’re happy when you think of me. 

Please write back to me.   
I’m 19 now. (But you know that.)  
When will you write back? I love you.

I miss you,   
Spencer Reid  
12/20/1999


	5. Georgetown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer makes a friend

Dr. Diana Reid   
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101

Dear Mom, 

It’s been an eventful few months. You know that, though. Are you reading my letters everyday? I’m sorry if sometimes they’re infrequent. I’ve been getting a bit busy lately. I wonder if you read them all, or just pick a few to open. Or if you throw them all right into the trash. I’d like to think you read them… 

Anyway, Mom, it’s been hectic here at Georgetown. My professor that I was telling you about? He’s really been helping me a lot, and has been working with my academic advisor to get me through my classes at a faster rate. I actually ended up taking more classes than recommended this semester, and while I can handle it fine, it means that I’m going to be done by next year. I’ll have graduated with a few extra high-level psych courses. I’m glad at least that I excel in something, even if it is a burden sometimes. 

My professor’s name is Gideon. I figured I should mention it since I talk about him a lot. We’ve gotten really close, and it’s nice to have someone to lean on here. Some of the other students here have been making nasty comments about it, but it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. I guess that’s what a lifetime of bullying is good for, huh? Making you so numb that you don’t feel anything. Or maybe its the counseling (if i’m being positive).

And I joined a club, too. That was one thing that I _could_ do that the counselor recommended. I joined the Nonprofit Counseling club. (ironic, right?) I thought I have some experience there, and I might be a little useful. It’s been okay. It’s basically the students lending an ear to other students who need someone to talk to. (Honestly maybe I should have attended rather than volunteered) And we also do events like bake sales, board game nights, potlucks, etc. Just stuff to bring people together and get word out about the club. I’ve been able to help set up a few events. I met someone there named Ethan, and he’s been really nice to me. He’s a sophomore too, and he also goes to counseling, not just volunteering at the club. He studies sociology. We’ve even hung out after some of the meetings. I think I finally made a friend, Mom. I don’t even know what to say about it. It doesn’t feel real. 

Yesterday I saw Ethan in the library and sat down next to him. He didn’t seem to mind. He smiled, actually. Like he was happy to see me. We studied all day, and even though we hardly talked, it was really calming just to sit next to him. I think he liked it too, or else he would have left, right? Tomorrow I’m going to text him to see if he wants to study together again. It also works out well because he studies sociology, so we don’t have to go over the same material, and I’m not leaving him behind when I read too fast. People always hate that. We can both focus on our own stuff. I hope I’m not reading too much into this. You know I do that…

And as you know, I’ve never had a real friend before. I’m going to tell my counselor to see if I’m doing it right. So far we’ve seen each other on 6 different occasions; a total of 15.3 hours. That’s a lot of time to see someone. Granted, most of it was volunteering together, but a lot of it was direct conversation, not just group conversation. Plus, we have relatively common interests which is a core deciding factor in making friends. I’m trying to be positive and not let my old patterns of anxiety get in the way of pursuing a friendship with Ethan. Oh, and he likes Radiohead which is totally awesome. He said I have a good taste in music even though I only listen to classical and punk-rock. He like a whole rage of different genres and it’s kind of overwhelming, but he doesn’t seem to mind that I don’t know a lot of his bands. He didn’t know about Bach, which I didn’t find surprising, but maybe I’ll have him listen to some. There’s a 45% chance that he’ll enjoy it, statistically speaking. 

My paper is coming along well, too. Professor Gideon said I’m making very promising progress, and I think I may be finished by the end of the semester. I just have to refine my points, add my conclusion, and have it reviewed. I actually think it’s kind of interesting. Maybe I can send it to you when I’m done. Would you want to read it? 

I wish you would write me back. It’s been a long time, Mom, and you haven’t sent me one single letter. I told Professor Gideon about writing you, and he just sighed. What does that even mean? What does he know that I don’t? Why won’t you write me? Are you getting my letters? The nurses said they’re being delivered. Do you hate me, Mom? I love you so much. I can’t imagine a world in which I don’t get to talk to you, yet here I am living in it. I don’t know what I would do if I had to do it all over again. Maybe I would have stayed home with you. We could have been happy together, and maybe I could have figured out how to make it work. How do I know if I did the right thing? Mom, won’t you tell me? Wont you tell me how to make this better? Won’t you say anything? I MISS YOU. I love you. God, I miss you so much it hurts. Some nights I cry myself to sleep thinking about what I’ve done to you. Jesus fucking christ, I hate myself sometimes. Mom, if you’re reading this, I need to know you’re okay. Won’t you write me back? For me? Your only son? Even one that did something horrible?

Please. 

I’m begging you,   
Spencer Reid  
04/11/2000


	6. Concerts are Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer sees linkin park with ethan, goes to a party, talks about relationships

Dr. Diana Reid   
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101

Dear Mom, 

It’s summer now, and I’m still on campus. There’s surprisingly a lot to do here during the day, but at night it can get pretty quiet. I’m taking four summer classes but they’re pretty easy. And I’ve been volunteering at the club a lot, but now that it’s summer, mostly everyone has gone home.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Ethan. I guess we’re friends now. In fact i’m sure of it. He took me to party a few weeks ago and introduced as ‘his friend Spencer’. I think I nearly died inside when he said that. I’ve never heard that before, Mom. Not even once. Is this what it feels like to be happy? (I’m sorry, I don’t know if I’m flaunting my happiness to you- how are you doing?) And the party was even okay, too. I did end up having a little bit of a panic attack in the bathroom, but no one found out, and it eventually passed. And I stayed afterwords instead of just going home. I ended up playing Mariocart on Ethan’s friend Charlie’s ps1 and it was totally awesome. I had so much fun. And everyone there was my age, or close to it. 

Plus Charlie invited me to go out with him and some of his friends this weekend. Should I go? I don’t even really know anyone that will be there. Ethan can’t make it because he’s going to be visiting his dad back home. I know I wanted friends more than anything, but this is really fast, and incredibly new territory for me. I’m going to ask my counselor and see what he says. (Although I already know his answer, so maybe I should just bite the bullet and go.)

Oh, and me and Ethan went to a Linkin Park Concert, and holy shit it was _amazing!_ Remember when you brought me to that concert in Hyde Park, the Red Hot Chili Peppers one, and I ended up crying and you had to take me home before the second song even started? This was _nothing_ like that. Ethan brought sound-proof headphones for me so the loud noises didn’t overwhelm me, and we stood in the back away from the crowd. I could still hear everything perfectly, but it blocked out a lot of the extra noise. Plus I think it’ll be good for my tympanic health. Ethan just wore ear plugs. I don’t think the loud noises bother him as much. He has anxiety, too, just not with that. It was a great day. After that we got pizza and he drove us back to campus because he has his license. Why didn’t I ever get my license, Mom? You never took me to get my provisional, or even take the test. 

Oh, and I finished my paper. I don’t know if you’ll even be interested in it, but I attached it just in case. Maybe you can tell me what you think about it? I would really like that. 

I’m kind of sad now that Professor Gideon isn’t my professor anymore, but he only teaches one class because he has another job at Quantico in D.C. where he’s an _actual _FBI agent. And we don’t have the paper to work on together now, either. I don’t know if he’ll keep wanting to mentor me, but I hope so. He’s been really nice to me since I got here and I would hate to lose that support. Do you have anyone there that supports you, Mom? I really hope so. 

Oh, and Ethan asked about me ever having a girlfriend and I didn’t know what to say? You never gave me ‘the talk’. I never really had the chance to interact with any girls my age. I never had the chance to date. I never even thought about it? That’s not normal, right? To have never been interested in girls before? I mean the thought didn’t even occur to me until he asked. Do you think there’s something wrong with me? I’m 19. I should have had some hormonal changes or something happening by now. Maybe I was too focused on my studies to even notice? (Stay positive?) 

I don’t know if I should be telling this to my mother, but I don’t know if you’re reading these anyway, so why not? Ethan started going out with this girl Elle. She was at the party too. She’s pretty, I guess. Ethan was all over her, kissing, hugging, all of that. He told me they’re even having sex. That’s kind of gross, right? Is that weird to think? Maybe it’s because he’s my friend? Or maybe it’s because it’s all so new to me? Maybe I_ should _date someone? But where would I even begin? How would I find them? I don’t even know. That’s a_ lot _to handle.

No, I’m not ready for that. Plus, I don’t like anyone.

And I have to focus and start thinking about what I’m going to do when I have to leave Georgetown. I haven’t even narrowed down what I want to do. Like, do _do_. For a job. I’ve been a student for so long, I didn’t even think about what was going to happen when I wasn’t anymore. That’s a big decision. I’m not ready for that. But it’s coming up really soon and I have to decide. Well, I have one more semester left, but still. It’s coming. 

I know I’m being repetitive, but please write me back, Mom. I miss you terribly and I’d like nothing else in the world other than just one single letter from you. God, I miss you. I started having nightmares about the day that I left you at Bennington’s. I guess I have a lot of guilt surrounding it still. I mean, it’s only been 2 years so far… Two whole years without you. I’m sorry. 

I’ll write you again tomorrow. 

Love,   
Spencer Reid  
06/25/2000

See attached envelope: [Forensic Applications of the Multiphase Personality profile: the Personality Assessment Profile and it’s Relevance to Modern Day Practice pages 1-35.]


	7. Hahahah. a skunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah.

Dr. Diana Reid  
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101

Mommm,  
I’m fuckinj wasted!  
I went out with CHARLIE and his FREINDS and now i am druk like a _skunk_  
Hahahah. a skunk  
U didn’t tell me that alcohol was like this  
It takes yoour head all woozy and spinny and tippy  
then your feet get all tappy and you can dance ad not even care the there arte people around u or looking at you. Lijke you are free and you can just woos around like u are a breeze flowing through the air  
I feel like whatt i think people feel like all the time —I can’t think of any styatitics! _Hahaha_  
What is th eprobibility of an earthquake in D.C. in May? I have no fucking clueeeeeeeeee and I don’t CARE  
I thinnk I’m gonna eat some CHEETOS. that’s all thete is in my dorn room  
(I wjll go shoppingsoon I promise)  
Chorlie walkd me back nd told me to crash buy I still wanted to write u mom belore i sleep. I LOVE you WHY DONT YOU LOEV ME BACK MOM  
WRITE ME BCAK I MISS YOU  
Djd u read y paper mom?  
kiss

byeeeeeeeeee,  
Spenccr Reid  
06/30/20000


	8. Sorry About that Last Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for drunken nights

Dr. Diana Reid  
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101

Dear Mom, 

Sorry about that last letter. It wasn’t my finest moment. In fact, it was _really_ embarrassing. Sorry. I’ll consider myself grounded? Ha-ha. 

I finally got over the splitting headache that it left me with. You know how they say alcohol borrows your happiness from the next day so you can have it right now instead? That’s totally true. I feel like shit. But wow, last night I felt like a whole ‘nother person, and it was great. I like the feeling of not having to be Spencer Reid. 

Sorry, that sounds depressing. I overslept my Human Information Processing class this morning. I’ll have to take a 15% hit on my participation grade. I bet the kids in class were surprised that nerdy little Spencer had the gall to skip. I didn’t even know I had it. (Well, I wouldn’t have, but I was unconscious, so maybe technically I still don’t?)

Charlie invited me over again tomorrow, and I’m gonna go. It feels good to have friends, holy crap. I don’t know what forces kept me from having friends for so many years, but they’re dicks. Charlie said he can get me a fake I.D. so I can hang with him more. He also said he’s going to try to hook me up with one of his friends, and I told him _no_, but he said it’ll be good for me. And who knows, maybe it will be? I don’t really want to do it, or meet anyone in that way, but I _don’t think I have a choice _if I want to keep hanging with him. 

Other than that there’s really not else much to do these days. Maybe I should get a new hobby. Or maybe I should hit up the library. Not the that I don’t spend enough time there already though. 

Ethan said he’ll be back on Monday. I miss him. 

Did you read my paper?

Spencer Reid  
07/01/2000


	9. Breezy's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I forgot what I wrote about in this chapter

Dr. Diana Reid  
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101

Dear Mom, 

Last weekend was kind of the _worst._ How are you over there? I really miss you lately and I sort of need you here. I wish I still had you to lean on. I don’t really feel like I have anyone anymore. I mean, I have my counselor and Ethan, but I’m not close with them like I am with you. It’s not the same. And I don’t talk about personal things with Prof. Gideon so that’s definitely a no-go. When you’re ready, I’m here. Please write back soon. 

I’ve got an icepack on my ankle and my left arm because of last Saturday when I went out with Charlie. He took me to this bar on Main street, I think it was called Breezy’s, and we met up with a few older kids. I’m not sure if all of them went to Georgetown. I know for sure one of them did not because he told me he already graduated from an out of sate school. They didn’t seem to like me right off the bat, and Charlie didn’t notice at all. I really wanted to leave but Charlie kept getting me drinks, and they helped. I ended up drinking so much that I lost count after a while. Can you believe that, me, losing count of something? I passed out in the booth for a while, too. Then Charlie tried to get me to dance but I was really nauseous and I didn’t think that my stomach could have handled it. Actually, this is embarrassing, but it _couldn’t_ handle it just from standing up and I vomited all over the floor of the bar and then we got kicked out and instead of going home, Charlie dragged me across the street to another bar, I don’t know the name of it, and he bought me more beers. I told him I wanted to go _home _after we got to the second bar, but he said he wanted to stay longer, and he was my ride so I had to stay too. 

Then he found this friend of his friend (her name I forget, started with a K?) and she was the one that he wanted me to hook up with. But she was so, so, I don’t know, she was too… she smelled like coconuts (I smelled like puke) and it made me feel sick to my stomach. And she was really pushy. She kept touching me on the arm and the shoulder even when I told her I don’t like to be touched. She was just laughing at me and telling me she thought I was cute. But I _wasn’t_ cute, I was REALLY uncomfortable. She tried to _kiss_ me too, but thank god I wasn’t sloshed enough to dodge it, and she ended up pressing her lips up near my ear. (which was also really gross.) Charlie was laughing too and he was telling me to go for it, but I didn’t want to _go for it._ I told him that already, in fact I told him last week, but he didn’t listen to me. 

It was all too much for me, Mom. I ran away from her and had a panic attack in the bathroom. It was definitely a panic attack but it was like, I don’t know how to describe it, on _mute?_ Like the alcohol had turned off the volume. I could tell it was there, and it was scary like always, but it wasn’t _that_ bad. It was a lot easier than it usually was. At least there was a good thing that came out of the night. I now know panic attacks are a lot better when wasted. __

_ _I woke up in my dorm room and I still can’t remember how I got home. Everything got really swirly and blurry after we left Breezy’s and next thing I was home in bed. Well, not _home_; was in my dorm room. And I had a splitting headache even worse than last time. _ _

_ _Did you know alcohol damages 86 billion brain cells when you’re intoxicated? I doesn’t _kill_ them as the saying goes, but it does cause a lot of harm, that much is true. _ _

_ _Did you ever drink when you were younger? I have a hard time believing you did. But then again, I would have head a hard time believing _I_ did, so maybe more things are possible than I originally thought. Or maybe this is just growing up.  
Miss you, Mom…_ _

__ _Your son,_  
Spencer Reid  
07/13/2000 


	10. Alien

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer hangs with friends, isn't doing so hot in his classes, and wants to visit his mother.

Dr. Diana Reid  
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101

Dear Mom, 

I have to re-take Advanced Cognitive Psychology again. I overslept through my midterm and my advisor said that if I drop the class now I can get a withdrawal (W) instead of a failure (F). I don’t know what came over me; this is an absolute first. I overslept! I didn’t set an alarm. That’s not _me_. I don’t _forget_ things. (Although I was out drinking the night before. But not enough to get drunk) I had another panic attack right there in the advisor’s office and she sent me to the school’s health services building and they had to do a bunch of tests on me which I hated. I have panic attacks, so what? It was a big waste of time and really embarrassing. It also meant that I was 27 minutes late for my next class. What an exhausting day. 

I guess I won’t be graduating as early as Prof. Gideon had hoped. I don’t care, though. Campus has become a little more bearable lately. Plus Ethan has been back for a while and we’ve been spending a lot of time together. I think he’s my best friend. Im not sure if I’m _his_ best friend, but I think I might be. I can hope, at least. We went to see a showing of Ridley Scott’s _Alien_ at the local theatre. That’s my all-time favorite movie. I wonder if you like it? You’ve never mentioned. Have you seen it, Mom? We also have been marathoning re-runs of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and we’re almost caught up to present. We hung out with Charlie once, and it was alright. I hung out with Charlie a few times by myself. He doesn’t seem to invite Ethan every single time like me. I think it’s because Ethan doesn’t like to drink all that much. Turns out I can really “knock ‘em back” as Charlie says. It’s fun to do that and only a little bit nerve-racking. Once I drink enough, all the nerves go away and I feel like I’m flying which is the _best._ Ethan and I are working on a fundraiser for this weekend and we’re going to make posters in the library after I finish up my letter for you. He’s actually here now in my dorm room waiting. He never touches anything which I like. When people move my things around it makes me uneasy. (I think my roommates does it on purpose.)

Can I come visit you? I’m going to have a 2-week period between the end of summer classes and the beginning of fall semester and I really want to come see you. I don’t think you’ll answer me back so I’m just going to buy the ticket and you can expect me then. I really hope that you’ll be happy to see me. I couldn’t want anything more if I tried. 

Oh, and lastly, Prof. Gideon invited me to be a teacher’s assistant!!! He said that my writing for his Abnormal Psychology class was so well-written that I qualify for the position even though I’m not a senior yet. I’m _so happy!_ This means I’ll be able to spend a lot more time learning from him and just being able to talk. I don’t even care that I have a much heavier course load with all the added responsibilities. Actually, I like the idea of having so much to do that I don’t have down time… it gives my brain a rest from having to_ think._

See you soon,  
Spencer Reid  
08/01/2000


	11. Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reid tries to visit his mother. I know the letters don't completely make sense if he's in person, so with suspension of doubt, these were hand delivered or something.

Dr. Diana Reid  
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101

Really, Mom?

I’m in Vegas. Let me back there? I could _see you_ from the desk out front! They won’t let me back without your permission. I swear I’ll never do anything ever again to hurt you, just, please, I want to talk to you. Mom? 

Spencer  
08/20/2000

\---

Dr. Diana Reid  
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101

REALLY????

You know, what I did was wrong, but what you’re doing in _unthinkable_. I’M YOUR SON AND I HAD NO CHOICE. 

Spencer  
08/22/2000

P.S. I’m staying the entire two weeks and I’m going to come in every day so you might as well let me visit now. 

\---

Dr. Spencer Reid  
Georgetown University  
Saratoga Bldg. #334, PO BOX #90  
2 University Way, Washington D.C. 20213

Dr. Spencer Reid,

This letter is to serve as a formal warning against you via the Bennington Sanitarium of SunHealth Healthcare System of Las Vegas Nevada in regards to a disturbance on the date of 08/27/2000. On account of disorderly conduct, disturbance of the peace, and public intoxication, SunHealth is filing a formal warning with the provision that no further incidents are noted in the coming six months. You can reach out to 593-789-XXXX with any questions regarding this letter. 

Thank you,  
Department of Human Resources  
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101  
08/27/2000

\---

Dr. Diana Reid  
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101

Dear Mom,

FINE. You win. But I still have the letters. Try running from those. (Actually, don’t. I need this.) I’M GOING HOME NOW. 

Spencer Reid  
08/27/2000


	12. Surprised?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another letter to mommmmmmyyy

Dr. Diana Reid  
Bennington Sanitarium  
1028 Hew St., Nevada County Behavioral Health Bldg. # 5  
Las Vegas, Nevada 89101

Dear Mom, 

It’s me. Surprised to hear from me again? No?

The last semester flew by so quickly. I’ve been doing a lot of socializing and I think it’s really good for me. I met a bunch of people that I can hang out with through Charlie and we go out often to clubs and things which aren’t that scary when you’re drunk. 

I haven’t spoken to Ethan in a couple weeks because we got into a fight and now he’s not talking to me. I really miss him, but he was being unreasonable and he also said some means things to me. He doesn’t want me to hang with Charlie anymore yet he’s the one who introduced me? What sense does that make? Plus he spends all his time with Elle so what does it matter to him what I’m doing with my free time if he’s not going to spend it with me? And he’s mad that I haven’t been volunteering as much. Are friends supposed to be this controlling? If I want to go out on the weekends I should be able to. I wish I had a frame of reference this kind of thing. Too bad I never had friends growing up. 

Now that the semester finished, I’m going to be starting as Prof. Gideon’s teaching assistant this coming spring. He gave me a bunch of material to read over the break but I haven’t cracked it open yet. I could probably finish it all in a day though. I’m really excited to be able to teach with him. Maybe I’ll be a professor when I’m finished. That would be good for me, I think. I wouldn’t have to leave college, either. I’ve been in school my whole life, why stop now? I love school. 

I’m sorry about the scene I caused back home, by the way. Don’t think I forgot or anything… I’m just really embarrassed about it. You can be as prepared as I am, knowing so much bout human behavior and psychology, and still when you’re faced with a situation to which you know what the resulting emotions will be, it doesn’t help to know them. Once you feel them, it doesn’t matter anymore. Once you feel them, you can’t get back to logic and reason, you just have to ride that wave and eventually come down and face the consequences. The consequences in this case, I’m sure, being that you’re very embarrassed and disappointed in me. Angry, too, probably. I just thought I could take the edge off. I didn’t realize when it became too much, and I didn’t realize when I was about to snap, I just _snapped_ and then I couldn’t see anything but red. I’m still pretty angry deep down, but at the surface I understand. Maybe next time will be different. 

With love,  
Spencer Reid  
12/29/2000


End file.
